One week later...

Dear God, I'm awaiting further instructions. It's been a week since I've been laid off from my job. Most definitely not the best week of my life. Lots of worrying and a good bit of hopelessness. It will get better, right? Doesn't it take 3 weeks to make or break a habit? Then 1 down, 2 to go. Until then, I'm trying to work on my Etsy shop and not freak out while I await further instructions.

Sucks

Yesterday sucked. Really sucked. I got really depressed and was totally convinced that I am unemployable. Having anxiety doesn't help. Especially the kinds that makes it hard to talk to strangers. Kinda narrows down the job choice. That's why my previous job as a graphic designer at Valpak was perfect for me. I designed ads all day with no contact with the general public. The work was interesting and the people really great. I haven't gotten any new skills in the last 19 years, so I'm not really employable as a designer anymore. Today was a little better. Made some coasters this morning, had leftover mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch, and promptly crashed from the carbs. Really needed the nap as I haven't been sleeping well. Since then, nothing seems to be working: bubbles on my coasters, camera not uploading, etc. Really hoping these feeling of hoplesness pass soon. It's the weekend, so hopefully I can take my mind off things for a couple of days. We need to clean up the house since the realtor is coming on Monday evening to discuss selling the house. We were barely holding on before, but now...

Chapter 3

Since I got laid off yesterday, I decided to divide my life up into chapters. The first chapter includes my childhood, young adulthood; everything before moving to Florida. Chapter 2 is all about what I'm now calling My Valpak Years. That chapter is now closed. But it did include some pretty signifigant events - meeting my husband, getting married, having two kids and all of the small events like vacations, starting an Etsy shop, raising kids. Now, the third chapter. Blank pages. I have no idea how I'll fill them. I really don't. Right now nothing feels right or normal - like someone tipped the world and I'm just trying to stay vertical. I toggle between feeling kinda calm to feeling really panicky. I really fear for my future right now. I feel that I let my family down - and I didn't do anything wrong! I'm 49 years old and don't feel employable. I've been a Graphic Designer for 19 years. Not a great designer; just adequate. I want to make a go of my Etsy shop and start making some new stuff. Hopefully, it will pan out and I will only have to get a part-time job. The thought of applying for jobs and interviews makes me a little sick. I know this will pass. So today is Chapter 3, page 1...

Now I know what it feels like to be in shock

After 19 years with the same company, I am now officially unemployed. Our little department of 5 was laid off this morning. With so many management changes, we knew that it could happen. Very well might happen. But it's still a shock when it does happen. Now I know what it feels like to be in shock. Disorienting. Surreal. Almost dizzying.Heading home, I didn't recognized a familiar interstection for a minute. Even though I was bored at times and the work could be tedious, you get comfortable and used to the routine. Fortunately, I have my little business. Hopefully, I can grow it into something sustaining. We'll see. For now, I need to regroup, clean out my studio and think about what I want to make first. But first, I may just sit in the sun for a few minutes and try to comes to terms with starting a new chapter of my life.